Roasted: OUAT Season 5 Edition
by BellejanelleDearie
Summary: Partly inspired by Daesgatling's Abridged series, this parody takes the most ridiculous moments of season 5 and pokes fun at them all. No one is safe from the roast. Note: some characters/ships are more side-eyed than others.


***Belle and Gold minding their own business in the shop***

HOOK: Hello Crocodile!

GOLD: Actually that title's been passed to your girlfriend... _and_ apparently you. You know, _I_ was the Dark One _way before_ it was cool. ***harrumphs*** You and Emma Swan come sashaying in matching pleather getups and now Darkness is the new Black.

HOOK: You may not be a crocodile, Rumplestiltskin but I can still skin you alive!

GOLD **: *smirks*** We're so cute when we're killing each other. #HateshipGoals!

SNOW: You're rather smug for a powerless former Dark One.

GOLD: What can I say, homicidal tendencies die hard. Isn't that right, Regina?

REGINA: I'll show you homicidal, imp-

CHARMING: Regina no! You've worked too hard... ***whispers to Snow*** _She's worked too hard? That's_ what we're going with?

SNOW: ***whispers through clenched teeth*** Remember what happened last time she got called 'the E word'?

ROBIN: I'm going to say something self-explanatory just to include myself in this conversation.

REGINA: Robin please don't speak. It makes me look bad.

ROBIN: But I wanna talk too!

REGINA: I know honey, I know. ***pats Robin's arm***

BELLE: ***to Emma*** Last time I saw you, you and your red-haired minion tried to kill me!

DARK EMMA: ***rolls eyes*** Belle, _half_ the people in this _room_ have tried to kill you!

GOLD: ***to Regina*** We _have_ to talk about you and this whole "My life sucks because of Rumple" thing. I can't even be in stasis without hearing you blather on about how every bad decision _you've_ made is somehow _my_ fault.

REGINA: Oh you heard that? I was wondering why you randomly laughed in my face.

ZELENA: ***poofs in*** So, you all are having a party and forgot to invite me?

REGINA: Nobody forgot, bitch, we just hate you.

GOLD: True dat. ***fist bump***

SNOW: Speaking of forgetting, what happened to the baby you gave birth to like 20 minutes ago?

ZELENA: ***to Robin*** I thought you had her-?

ROBIN: I thought you had her!? ***both look to Regina***

REGINA: ***puts up hands*** I don't want to be any more involved in this storyline than I have to be.

ZELENA: ***back at Snow*** _Oh yeah?_ Where's _your_ baby?!

SNOW & CHARMING: ...

ROBIN: ***suddenly remembers he has a son*** Where are all our children? ***all turn to Belle***

BELLE: ***offended*** I don't know which is worse: being treated solely like Rumple Bait or the town nanny!

CHARMING: Does that mean you don't have our kids...?

DARK EMMA: Alright this is a holdup! ***evryone stops to stare confused at Emma***

 ***Emma turns to Hook*** Babe, they're not listening to me! Say something; you were always better at being the asshole.

HOOK: ***sighs*** I want _all of you_ to put your magical jazz hands where I can see them! Do it now and I _might_ let you live...but probably not.

DARK EMMA: ***whines*** _Killian?!_ You promised we'd be _good_ bad guys!

HOOK: ***facepalms*** That kind of defeats the purpose, Emma! We've talked about this before: You hype yourself up as a threat, I become the real threat, and after that we...stand there and look pretty. ***looks pretty***

EVERYONE: ... ***goes back to arguing amongst themselves***

BELLE: So Rumple I decided that since you're completely good I should break up with you.

GOLD: ***meme of very confused guy***

BELLE: I just need to find myself...?

GOLD: Last time you said that you hooked up with the doofy looking guy from the spinoff.

BELLE: But you were the best fix-it project I ever had!

GOLD: Aw I love you too, smookums!

BELLE: Until you finally became the man I've been shaming you to be... and stopped wearing leather pants. ***is sad for a moment, then shrugs*** Oh well, on to the next!

GOLD: ***cries*** I knew she only wanted me for my leather pants!

DARK EMMA: ***is saying something in her unintelligible Dark One voice***

SNOW: Emma, honey, you have to speak up. It isn't proper for a lady to mumble like that.

DARK EMMA: But Mooommmm, this is my evil Dark One voice! ***angsty sigh*** _No one understands me!_

CHARMING: Well of course not, kiddo. That's what we've been trying to tell you!

MERIDA: ***runs in*** Can somebody _please_ explain why I'm here?

EVERYONE: ***is still trying to figure that out themselves***

MERIDA: Can I at least change out of this carbon-copy outfit? My movie wasn't even that good.

GOLD: ***to Emma and Hook*** You two _suck_ at being Dark Ones, by the way.

DARK EMMA: Oh, you're just bitter.

SNOW: No, he's right, sweetie. You two have been, like, the _worst_ Dark Ones _ever!_ And not in a good way…

DARK EMMA: ***sniffles*** I-um-didn't know you guys felt that way... ***sobs uncontrollably***

HOOK: ***shoves his girlfriend out the way*** "I'll have you all know that _I_ was a _great_ Dark One!"

REGINA: * **not buying it*** Please. You just reverted back to the douche you were in Season 2. And even then you weren't a very good villain.

ZELENA: ***scoffs *** _You_ didn't even know you were a Dark One until _I told you_! And you look exactly the same.

HOOK: Not true. My hair is parted on the other side now! * **is proud of himself***

HOOK: ***to Regina and Gold*** You're just jealous I have more fangirls than both of you combined!

REGINA & GOLD: ***start laughing hysterically***

REGINA: ***still giggling*** Oh man, you would have been much more effective as my jester than you were at killing my mother.

HOOK: I have more fangirls than you guys individually, then...?

REGINA & GOLD **: *laugh again***

GOLD: Even as the Dark One you continued to get your ass kicked on a daily basis.

REGINA: By women, children, and cripples, no doubt.

GOLD: But it's cute you think you're better than us! ***pinches Hook's cheek***

5B

BELLE: _Pssst…_ Rumple?! _Over here!_

GOLD: Oh hey babe- wait what are _you_ doing here? I only expected to see my first wife in hell. Oh and your pregnant by the way.

BELLE: OMG really?! ***squees***

GOLD: Yeah. But I, um...I _kinda_ sold our unborn baby into servitude to the God of the Underworld in a tragically ironic deal I made before I was badass.

BELLE: ***stops mid squee*** Rumple I demand you get your shit together right now or I'm leaving!

RUMPLE: Sorry babe, but I finally realized what a badass I am, and I can't have you crampin my style anymore. Besides you've left so many times I'm honestly beyond caring at this point.

BELLE: * **is confused*** But that's whole basis of our love story!

RUMPLE: Um, no. The basis of our love story is Beauty and The Beast, which you keep contradicting by saying you love both parts of me then rejecting me when you see the bad.

BELLE: I still don't get it...

RUMPLE: ***sighs*** Ok, you know how you promised to make me the best fix-it project _ever_?

BELLE: Yeah…

RUMPLE: Well it's not cute anymore so stop it.

BELLE: Oh...I'll think about it.

RUMPLE: Anyway, since I'm on a roll with being honest I thought I'd tell you I'm the Dark One again. ***waits for her to start hitting him***

BELLE: ***relieved sigh*** Oh thank god! Captain Dark Swan was _terrible_!

BELLE & RUMPLE: ***laugh to themselves for a bit, then escape off-screen,** _ **far away**_ **from the true villains, Adam Horowitz and Eddy Kitsis, to live in peaceful, in-character bliss.**

THE END


End file.
